The Noro Cruise

I’m sure I have told you all about my mom’s wine bar in Winter Garden, The Attic Door; the bar where I worked since I was 13-years-old, breaking my back washing dishes to save money for all my luxurious travel (jk I stay in hostels). Well, as of January 1, my mom sold the wonderful Attic Door to the nicest couple ever who have done wonderful renovations and make the best mufalata sandwich outside of New Orleans, but that’s beside the point. My mom sold the attic and for the first time in 15 years we took a family vacation where we didn’t have to worry about the grocery list, payroll, enough money to pay out tips or someone to be there to let the beer guy in. And let me tell you, IT WAS AWESOME!

Now, from the title of this article you are probably thinking, how could this have been an awesome experience with a title like “The Noro Cruise” but trust me, its the most comical experience in the history of The Gibson Girl Guides.

So we board the Princess Cruise Line leaving out of Ft. Lauderdale with stops in Foulmouth, Jamaica, Cartagena, Colombia, through the locks of The Panama Canal, Costa Rica and Grand Caymon. Keep in mind I’m traveling with my sister, Courtney, the queen of one-liners, my dad, Mark, who has this disease that makes him INCREDIBLY hard of hearing, and my mom who I’m pretty sure hasn’t been this relaxed in 15 years.

We almost missed the boat but were able to smuggle on 15 bottles of wine, thats right, I’ll be writing a cruise guide to make sure you are all prepared for your next cruising adventure. We get up to the deck just as we are pulling away from the deck, mojitos in hand and ready for our vacation.

The wind was blowing pretty hard, the cruise director is singing over the microphone, and we are all happy with our chilled beverages. The camera man comes around three times to take our picture and add a video of us waving goodbye to America which we later found out would be on our cruise director’s morning show called “The Wake Show” very worth watching.

So our first stop is Foulmouth, Jamaica, where we bought the most stylish water shoes to hike through Dunn’s River Falls, an excursion that I was super excited for. It took us one day at sea to reach the port and it felt like four years. The waves were so rocky, I don’t get seasick, and I spent $25 on seasickness bands and dramamine to get me through this ridiculous one day at sea. The winds were so high if you left anything on your chair and walked away for five seconds it was overboard.

Because of these winds we were unable to dock in Jamaica. Our captain was very nice and said he was going to go full speed ahead to Cartagena, Colombia, but it still took us almost three days to get there. So our one day at sea before activities turned into three days at sea and the beginning of our epidemic.

This brings me to patient zero.

So, have you been on a cruise lately? It is like a walking through a hospital, hand sanitizer every three feet, hand washing stations before each dining room and cafeteria, people reminding you to wash your hands, the bingo guy would even stand there and count to 20 while you washed your hands if you guys were in the bathroom at the same time. No joke, they were psychotic about washing your hands.

And rightfully so.

Alright so we get to Cartagena the night before we were supposed to (full steam ahead my ass, we were just a full 8 hours early). We were allowed to get off the boat and go into town for dinner, which sounded lovely except for we had reservations at one of the nice on-board restaurants so we kept our reservations and decided to explore the city the next day.

Ok, so they say patient zero ate dinner in Cartagena that night, but I personally believe that because we didn’t stop in Jamaica to pick up our food supplies he/she probably got their infected food on the boat.

If you don’t know what the Noro virus is, let me explain it as politely as possible: excessive expelling of your insides from both ends, unable to move, and anything you look at is subject to catch your cooties.

We had a beautiful day in Cartagena, Colombia. Got back on the boat around 6pm, had a ridiculously windy day at sea, and by the time we docked at the Gaton Locks in Panama we had 56 cases of the Noro virus and rapidly rising.

We were no longer allowed to get our own food at the buffet. They had servers spooning your grits out onto your plate and God forbid you breathed a little too closely to the glass shield, someone was behind you with a sanitary rag to wipe your germs away and they would replace what ever dish was there, even if it was full!

Now, I’m grateful for their dedication to the cause. The poor cleaning staff worked double shifts wiping down the walls!

You had to call 911 (this was the ships emergency line not actual 911) to let them know if you felt ill in anyway.

By the time we got to Costa Rica we had almost 200 cases.

My mom, remember she hadn’t relaxed in 15 years, was using Clorox wipes to wipe down the cloth seats before we sat down at dinner. They didn’t even let us keep our bread on the table, which was probably a good thing because vacation or not I didn’t need 3 pieces of bread at dinner.

There was talk about not letting us dock in Grand Cayman, because that’s what we needed, another three more days aboard the S.S. Noro. But luckily we hadn’t reached those numbers yet.

Guys.

I got the Noro.

No joke, the last damn night of this cruise I woke up at 5a.m.

It was my birthday.

I promised you a funny story, and if you haven’t laughed already, I’m sorry. Picture my almost deaf dad wandering the halls because he can’t hear the intercom yapping about Noro wondering why they are wiping down the walls.

Anyway. We had to call the 911. So my sister gets on the phone. Dying laughing at me laying on the bathroom floor. Through her laugher she goes “Um, yeah, hi, my sister has the Noro nbd.” No, she didn’t say “no big deal” she said “NBD” then tries to toss a cord phone to me. How milineal we are that we throw phones only to have the “old fashioned” ones fly right back at you. Serves her right for laughing at me practically dying.

Before I could get the words out to answer the doctors questions my head was in the toilet. So, my now 27-year-old self had to hand the phone to my mommy, who walked in with a mask and her Clorox wipes, wiped down the phone, and told the nice lady how it was like the scene from bridesmaids in her daughters room.

If you didn’t know, if you have the Noro they make you wait until everyone else is off the ship before you can get off. So instead of disembarking at 8a.m. we were escorted by some poor staff member who drew the short straw to escort your sick ass to a waiting room.

This waiting room is filled with every other sick person on the ship.

So sucks to suck for your healthy family members traveling with you.

They sat me next to an elderly in a wheel chair throwing up into a bag.

I was super happy and very nice to everyone around me.

We waited in this room for over an hour. When they let us off the ship we completely bypassed passport control and customs and they just chucked us out at the bottom of the ship, gave us our bags and practically forced us out the door into this random shipping yard next to border control and said, be gone you infested cruisers.

Anyway. I got the Noro on the last day of the cruise and it was NBD.

This should not discourage you from cruising it was delightful and a great way to travel if you don’t get Noro.

Oh, and the guy next to my dad told him their cabin was flooded so they had to take a room below deck for two days after his wife got a cold from the mold that was growing in their carpet only to get the Noro two days after that. My dad of course just nodded and smiled but my sister was eavesdropping.

Happy cruising!